You're completely useless in the revolution.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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