I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I FOUND THE LEGS
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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