Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
