i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this boner is exhausting
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
