Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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