you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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