Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
