i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A bitchslap is in order.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
