I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
