My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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