Do you still have your period?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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