Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
