i permit you to call me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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