My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
