nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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