I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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