She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
