I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
