my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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