I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
