Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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