dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize