I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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