Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
