I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
