can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
