Define "chronic" masturbator.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
