he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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