saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize