I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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