pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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