I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
