I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
