Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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