Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I think a kid would responsible me up
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
