and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
