the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
