I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
