Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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