Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
