I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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