She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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