i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You dont lie about slip and slides
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
