I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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