I will die if light touches me.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
