I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
