If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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