I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
