If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
