My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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