seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
