Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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