She even gives head with a lisp.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
