I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
