I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She said her name was "party"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
