The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
