I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
