I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
