Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
