They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
